


Maybe I'm Not Okay

by maycollins



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Angst, Depression, Mental Illness, Social Anxiety, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4665036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maycollins/pseuds/maycollins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So are you alright?"     "I don't know. Maybe not."</p>
<p>"But I'm fine."      "No you're not."     "You're right."</p>
<p>"I'm not okay."     "Me neither."</p>
<p>"It's fine to not be okay."     "Thanks."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe I'm Not Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty much an excuse to write angst for all the characters.  
> I really want Hero and Balthazar to be best friends.  
> I also really want Peter and Ben to get along.  
> I am also Pedrazar/Petrazar/Petely trash, and I didn't even mean for them to interact at all in this, but sometimes things happen.

Balthazar:

The Wellington sky was a clear blue, absent, even, of clouds, and the air was warm for the season. Balth didn't dare hope that spring was finally on its way.

He'd heard Freddie and Ben leave for class a few minutes ago, and Peter had said he was going out with some friends. That was good, Balth thought. Everyone liked to poke fun at Peter for his social habits, or they were straight up concerned, but Balthazar thought that maybe he had it right. He was at least making the most of his time at Uni.

What was Balth doing? Strumming absentmindedly on his ukulele, he justified to himself that he was practicing for his show tonight. He was going to play at some tiny bar just off campus. That would be doing something.

But when was the last time he'd actually talked to someone at one of these shows, when was the last time he stayed beyond the end of his set?

He was pretty sure Paige was out with some friends from a play she was doing. And Rosa was probably working. Balthazar was pretty familiar with being alone; maybe it was the brooding musician thing.

There had actually been times in secondary school where his sister or one of his friends would have to drag him from his room because he hadn't left in a week, but that was his choice. He was focusing on writing a new song or just too caught up to notice time passing. And it was okay, because he loved his space, reveled in his alone time, quiet except for the music he would make.

It was only since being at university that this sense of private contentment had been replaced. Even with Ben one room over or Freddie at the other side of the couch, a pressing sense of loneliness seemed to be consuming him at every second, no matter how he tried to ignore it.

It was like he just couldn't be happy anymore.

Sometimes it felt like he hadn't been happy since Auckland.

He pulled out his phone so he could at least talk to another human being, though he didn't really believe that would make it better.

"Balth! I've been meaning to call you all week!" The cheerful voice said as a form of greeting.

"Hey, Hero. I just had some time and thought I'd call to catch up. How's life been for the Auckland crew?"

"Year 13 is a little crazy, but everything's really good. Drama's a lot of fun, and everyone's doing so well. Ursula's off traveling, and Bea's got a job, and Meg actually seems really happy with herself. Claudio actually has a new girlfriend, and John's been getting help. Everything's really coming together here."

"That's great. I'm really happy for you."

"What about you guys, though? I've been watching the vlogs, but I'd love to hear from you."

"It's been okay. Just a bit of an adjustment, I guess."

"Is that what that song was about, a few weeks ago?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just a little homesick and figuring out all this stuff here. It's different from home."

"Yeah, but you're alright?"

"Definitely. I'm fine. Just adjusting."

Something about that phrase felt like a punch in the gut every time he said it. Because he wasn't adjusting. He still felt just as lost as the first day they all moved into the flat. Maybe more so now because all the excitement had faded away.

Leaving nothing.

"Just adjusting," he felt his voice crack, and he forced himself to take a deep breath.

He could actually feel Hero settling in for a long conversation as she said, "You know you can talk to me, right. That's what I'm here for."

"I know."

"So are you alright?"

"I don't know. Maybe not."

\---

Freddie:

"Sorry, I'm a control freak," Freddie said for what felt like the thousandth time that day, taking the lab report from her confused partner. "So, I'll just hold on to that for safekeeping if that's okay."

"Yeah, whatever." She walked away, and Freddie was left in the hallway, ridiculously holding a packet of papers that weren't actually due for another week.

Checking her phone, she saw that it was nearly 4 o'clock, meaning the guy who made the good coffee would be coming in soon. She hadn't actually learned his name because he never seemed to be wearing a name tag like his coworkers always did, but she'd been coming in frequently enough that it would be weird if she asked now.

Coffee Guy suited him perfectly fine, anyway.

"Medium cappuccino with almond milk and one and a half sugars," Coffee Guy announced the moment the bell above the door indicated Fred's arrival.

"Yes, thank you," she replied, coming up to the counter.

"Your usual seat's taken," he warned her, handing over the steaming mug, "but the one over there has a perfect view of both doors as well."

"Thank you. I just like to be aware of everything that's happening, I'm not, like, some weird person who can't handle things changing."

"I totally understand," Coffee Guy replied with a smile, and Freddie went to the recommended table to begin work on her literature assignment.

Every word she typed seemed perfectly wrong, and her progress was slow, if existent at all. At one point, about an hour in, she decided that the whole thing was crap and deleted it to start from scratch. This needed to be perfect.

In secondary school, she used to pause sometimes and try to reflect on why. Why did everything have to be perfect? Her parents had always been kind and supportive regardless of her success. Her teachers would actually encourage her to take a break from revising and enjoy life.

Every bit of pressure came from herself, and it had nearly killed her that she couldn't understand why. Why she had to make herself so miserable all the time and be in charge of every situation and not be able to just accept things as they were.

Not knowing had become more painful than the pressure itself, so finally she stopped wondering. It was just her nature, and she was going to go with it. Fighting was futile.

Still, it was times like this that the thought started creeping back into her mind.

_This isn't making me happy. Why am I doing this?_

She went back to furiously typing away at her essay. Why didn't matter so long as she could get it done right.

"Hello," Coffee Guy's voice came from right in front of her, and she looked up to see him holding some kind of pastry.

"You looked stressed, so I brought you a chocolate croissant. I know it's not my place, but are you good?"

She took the dessert, forcing a smile. "I'm great. Just working on this assignment."

"When's it due?" He didn't wait for an answer as he reached down to shut her computer.

"September 2nd." She tried to open it back up, but his hand stayed firmly on top.

"It's a Friday night, and you're literally the definition of needing a break. I can clock out whenever. I know a chill little bar, let's go."

"Will you give me my computer back?"

"Yes."

She sighed. "Fine, but I have to be back by ten. It's flat rules."

"Whatever, Cinderella. This will definitely make you feel better."

"But I'm fine."

"No you're not."

"You're right."

\---

Peter:

Peter shouldn't have been so surprised when he heard the first notes. After all, he had known Balthy was playing tonight. He just didn't know it would be here. Or that he would be playing this song. Even though the video had been up for the whole world to see for quite a while, something about it felt too personal, too special.

"Seems it's about time that these words were spoken."

A familiar tension filled his whole body. It seemed his constant companion nowadays. And it was really good at sticking by his side.

Better than all the friends that he could tell never quite forgave him. They kept saying they did, but how could they?

Now, more than ever, he was a total trainwreck, dragging everyone in his life down with him. It wasn't even really about what he'd done to Hero anymore. It was who he'd been all along, this selfish, clueless, destructive person.

"For this all around great guy to have someone by his side."

Peter slammed a drink down on the counter, liquid splashing over the sides. He grabbed a rag to wipe up the spill scrubbing furiously until it was beyond clean. How could he be singing this? Maybe it hadn't meant anything, "haha hilarious," like he'd said before.

Maybe none of it had meant anything.

It had all felt like it was going somewhere, but that was when he was Pedro Donaldson, class rep, football captain, all around great guy.

That was before he kept missing all of Balth's gigs because he was afraid of bumping into Bea or Ben or Hero or Claudio. Because he was afraid of hurting them more.

That was before he locked himself into his room for two weeks to study for exams. They had all thought school came easy for the all around great guy, but even with everything he had done, he'd only managed to scrape by with a D, two Cs, and a B.

This was before he watched the one good part of his life get back together with his ex for absolutely no reason at all.

It wasn't all about Balthazar. Everyone seemed to think it was, that he was angsty because of a broken heart or something. That was bullshit.

He was angry because everyone just wanted him to go back to before. He wanted to go back to before. Back when it all meant something and was going somewhere. But he couldn't.

He wasn't Pedro anymore. He was Peter, and that had to be better. Sure, he might not be an all around great guy anymore, but maybe he could learn to be a good one. Maybe he could learn to make up for every bitter thing he said to try and hurt Bea or all the snide remarks he had made behind Ben's back.

Maybe he could learn to make up for destroying Hero's reputation or almost literally pushing his own brother over the edge.

A part of him hated that it wasn't easy anymore, that everything had to hurt. He hated the person before who'd been such a fucking lie that every word about him seemed deceitful. He hated that he wanted so badly to go back to that.

Really, he was filled with hate nowadays.

But he really did want to fix things, even if his own worse nature kept getting in the way of that.

When the show was over, Balthazar came up to the bar, seeming legitimately surprised to see Peter behind it.

"I didn't know you were working tonight." And it almost sounded like an apology. Peter felt a tiny bit of the anger filling his chest fizzle.

"A coworker asked me to switch shifts. I didn't know you were playing here."

"I would have told you but...." Peter got the sense that Balthazar didn't know how to finish that sentence.

"You don't usually stay after your shows, do you?" Peter changed the subject.

"Nah, but I talked to Hero earlier today, and it got me thinking about how things used to be back in Auckland. I don't think I've really been happy here, so I thought I might try."

"I'm sorry, Bro. Is all that nostalgia why you...." he didn't need to finish the sentence.

"I didn't think you were working tonight. I think I just kind of missed when it was easy like that."

"Me too."

"Peter, I'm not okay."

"Me neither."

\---

Ben:

The bar tonight seemed exceptionally crowded. Was it always like this? And no one was familiar, none of Peter's friends or Balthy's or Fred's. Ben had thought Balth was supposed to be playing tonight, but the stage was currently empty.

Maybe he'd got the time wrong. He was always wrong.

No, he never was.

He thought that maybe he should just go up and introduce himself to someone. It couldn't be that hard; he'd always been good at forcing his friendship on people. He'd done it with Bea when they were 14 and Claudio and Pedro and every single one of his friends actually.

Every time he considered approaching someone in any detail though, his heart started to pound like he'd just chugged a cup of espresso, and his thoughts started moving so fast that he didn't think he could put words to them.

It always ended in _they hate me. They've always hated me, and as soon as I try to talk to someone new, they'll hate me too. They'll hate my obsession with Doctor Who and my constant talk about birds and my camera and the fact that I don't actually know what I'm doing at all._

A part of him knew it wasn't true, but when he glanced at the group of friends laughing in the corner, he couldn't help but think.

A ginger head saved him from the panic that just kept building inside him.

"Freds! What are you doing out of the house this Friday night!" He let a grin take over his face.

"I don't really know. Coffee Guy told me I needed a break, and he's buying us drinks right now. I should be writing my paper." She seemed tense as always, but maybe a little less than usual tonight.

"I think you'll be just fine."

"Yeah, fine. So did you see Stanley's set?"

"I knew I was late! I thought about coming earlier, but then it took forever to get ready, and I couldn't decide whether to bring the camera or not, so...."

"He and Peter are talking at the bar now."

"Wait, you mean he didn't leave?"

"I know. Anyway, I have to go. Looks like Coffee Guy has my drink. See you at 10."

Again, Ben was left alone, desperately wanting to join in anywhere. He forced himself into a group of two girls and one boy standing just a couple meters down from where he now saw Balthazar sitting at the bar.

"I'm Ben! Short for Bennedick, not Bennedict which most people usually think. No 't.'"

They looked at him like he was crazy.

"I'm in my first year here, but I lived in Auckland before that and England when I was younger. That's why I have this accent, and a love for tea."

The more he spoke, the faster his heart went, and he had to clasp his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. This was okay. He was okay.

"I had a vlog for a while. So did my girlfriend, Beatrice Duke. I actually still have one with my flatmates and everything. And my friend from Auckland, Meg Winters, sometimes posts videos too. Not as good as mine though."

Their silence fueled his fear, but his mouth kept going, almost without his mind's consent.

"I'm sorry."

It was getting harder to breathe; all these people in here were taking up all the air. And he was surprised his heart hadn't ripped itself out of his chest, it was beating so hard.

"I'm just going to go outside."

The fresh air seemed to help a little, but he couldn't make himself stop trembling. He thought he'd heard something about taking deep breaths once, but now he realized that whoever said that was an actual idiot. He couldn't take a deep breath if he tried. Instead, he settled for tiny mouthfuls.

It had been easier when he'd come to Auckland. Then, he was too young to worry about all this stuff. He'd just assumed everyone had liked him, and it had been okay. His outgoing nature and his overconfidence had blended perfectly.

Now there was this stalemate between the different parts of him, and if either won, he thought, he'd probably lose himself.

God, breathing really was hard.

The loud banging of a door swinging shut had him involuntarily turning to see, and he didn't know whether to be reassured by the face that he saw or more concerned.

"Me and Balth saw you run outside. I was worried."

"Sorry." gasp. "All good" gasp. "Here."

Ben figured it would make sense that talking might be hard when he couldn't breathe.

But Peter didn't leave. "I think you're having a panic attack."

"Nope." gasp. "Fine."

Peter actually chuckled a little. "You're so fucking stubborn, man."

Ben let out a small gasp of air that resembled a laugh.

Peter gently put his hand on Ben's shoulder with a face more sincere than Ben had seen since they'd moved to Wellington. "It's fine to not be okay."

Ben nodded, finally sucking in a full lungful of air. "Thanks."

**Author's Note:**

> I might write one of these for the Auckland crew too because why not, so be on the lookout for that.


End file.
